Today I feel the need to finally write about something I have felt important to share. I am normally a very private person when it comes to things such as my feelings, health, and personal life. I just don't think it's necessary for the whole cyber world (or even in real life) to know every detail of my life. Usually I only talk to a very select few.
BUT, I have a story to share. And if I don't share it I will be robbing my loving Savior and Creator of the credit that He so deserves.
So, while I'm very nervous to write any of this and release it for whomever would like to read it, I have to do it.
Most of you know, I am pregnant! :) On April 21, I took a home pregnancy test, and those two positive lines appeared very quickly. It was such an amazing, overwhelming, exciting moment. It was miraculous. And not just in a life-created miraculous way. But in a miraculous that WE created life way.
Here's my miracle story....
When I was 12 years old, I "became a woman" (as my mom called it). This is probably the only thing "normal" about my menstrual cycle/womanly functions. Within a year my periods became so severely painful. Every single month I went through grueling, unbearable pain, that left me doubled over, crying in my bed, with my mom shoving advil down my throat and rubbing my back until I could fall asleep. By the time I reached high school, I was often having to leave school, and call in sick to my job. It was absolutely miserable. When I was 15 my Mom finally took me to see the doctor. They did an ultrasound and came to the conclusion that I had ovarian cysts. Apparently this was nothing abnormal, and they said they would come and go on their own. They prescribed me some stronger pain medicine, but for years I continued this brutal cycle.
At 17, I was getting older and starting to think about my future. I often wondered who I would be. I didn't have any obvious talents, or a career I wanted to pursue. I remember sitting on the side of a hill at camp in the summer and praying. I was begging God to give me some direction. I wanted so bad for Him to reveal to me what my gifts were, and what path I was supposed to follow. I remember so clearly that day Him telling me that I was meant to be a wife and mother. At the moment it didn't seem like much, but I knew it was something I could be good at. I was in a great relationship with Sean and definitely saw myself marrying him. And I did love children.
When I was 18 the doctor finally put me on the birth control pill to help with my hormones, and hopefully reduce the pain. For the first time in my life, after going on the pill, I felt normal. I had cramps like a normal girl. They hurt, but I could still function. It was such a relief! Life carried on, I married the love of my life, and settled into my new role as air force wife, living in New Jersey. I found the perfect job as a preschool teacher.
But in 2010, at 20 years old, while Sean was deployed, my problems came back.
It started in November with some bad back pain. I assumed it was just from working so much (at the time I was working two jobs as a waitress and nanny). But then shortly after Thanksgiving I started getting some really bad pains in my lower right side. My mom suggested I go see the doctor, just in case. So after over a month of back pain, and two weeks of abdominal pain, I took my mom's advice. My main concern going in was the back pain. The doctor said it was probably just a pulled muscle, and suggested some stretches, but she was much more concerned with the abdominal pain. I had an ultrasound, and waited for the results. The next day, while I was at the hair salon, I got an upsetting phone call. It was the doctor and she asked "do you have a few minutes to talk". I knew that couldn't be good. She said the ultrasound showed a very large "growth" on my right side, approximately the size of a grape fruit. She wanted me to follow up with my GYN immediately. There I sat in the hair salon with tears streaming down my face. Thankfully, Sean called me shortly after (he only was able to call me once a day), and I told him what was going on. I know for him it was very hard not to be there, as I faced this scary news.
I did as the doctor ordered and followed up with my GYN right away. She said that it was most likely a complex cyst on my right ovary. They ordered for me to go to the oncologist to verify that the growth was not cancerous. If it wasn't, I would have to wait a few weeks, do a follow up ultrasound and see if there was any change. The thought of cancer scared me to death. I wanted so badly for my husband to be there with me. I was terrified and lonely, and the days seemed like years. After days of waiting to hear back about my blood work, they finally verified that the growth was benign. So then I waited even more. After an ultrasound showed no change (there went hopes of it going away on its own), we had to decide what to do. It was shortly before Christmas, and Sean was due home early January. I decided to go ahead and get surgery over with before he got home. So on December 27, I headed into surgery to remove the growth that had been causing severe pressure in my abdomen for the past month.
A surgery that was supposed to take an hour and half, turned out to be closer to four hours. Unfortunately the situation was more complex than the doctor realized. I was such a "mess" inside that they couldn't even decipher what was what. As a result they had to remove my right ovary and fallopian tube, along with the cyst. This left me very emotional, and made for a much rougher recovery. (Especially since I came down with bronchitis three days after the surgery. Ugh, I do not like to remember those days).
Everyone was reassuring that I would be just fine and that I would still be able to have children just fine with the one ovary. Although I had my doubts, I had faith that they were right and that God would keep his promise to me.
By March I was healed up from surgery, settled back into my life with my husband, and started an awesome nanny job. Come April, we started seriously discussing starting to try to have a baby. But shortly after, I started having a lot of abdominal pain again. After an ultrasound confirmed that everything was normal, I chalked it up to things adjusting from surgery.
After a lot of prayer and talking, in July we decided we were ready to have a baby, and planned to go off birth control in September. Unfortunately, throughout the summer, the pain in my stomach grew progressively worse. Some days were awful, and I became very concerned. One August morning, I was showering and had such severe pain, I almost passed out. I got out of the shower and laid on the floor crying. Sean came running in and ordered me to get in the car, that we were going to the emergency room. A catscan and ultrasound confirmed, that I again had what appeared to be a large cyst, this time the size of a golf ball, on my right side. Without an ovary there to attach to, the doctor assumed there was either a remnant of the ovary it attached to, or the spot where my fallopian tube had once been attached. A follow up with the GYN left me with nothing but a 6 week wait, to see if the cyst would shrink on its own. We knew this would delay our baby plans, but prayed so hard that things would resolve themselves.
After 6 weeks (and finding out we were moving to Germany!) we learned that the "cyst" had not changed at all. The doctor said it was safe to leave it, but if it was causing me a lot of discomfort and pain, he would remove it if I wanted. Since I had been in life-effecting pain every day for the past 5 months, I made the tough decision to undergo another surgery.
On October 20 (less than a year since my first surgery), I went under, to hopefully seek some relief.
The results this time were even worse than in December. What appeared to be a cyst, was actually a tangled weave of adhesions, spawned from endometrial tissue implanted in my right side. The doctor confirmed that I had endometriosis, an incurable problem that effects many women, and is one of the leading causes of infertility. My heart was broken. Not only did this mean that I was not going to have relief from the pain, but that it was actually going to continually get worse over time. And now my odds of conceiving went down even more.
I sunk into a very sad place. I cried.... a lot. I wanted so bad to trust that God would keep his promise to me, but I couldn't understand how He could put me through this. I worried, and worried. Until I worried about worrying. I prayed so hard not only that I would have children, but that God would give me peace. I often read the story of Hannah, and found some hope in her story. I knew God had the ability to do whatever he wanted with my body. But I still couldn't understand how, if I was designed to be a wife and mother, could He rob me of that?
I was offered options for pain management, such as the Lupron shot. Sean and I made the God-led decision to turn down treatment, and instead try to have a baby. In December, when I was finally fully recovered from surgery, I stopped taking birth control.
The first period off birth control in 3 years, was as horrible as I anticipated. (And of course, it happened in the car on a long drive to Ohio).
I read stories about women undergoing all kinds of fertility treatment. I knew with modern technology, Sean and I had a good chance of conceiving, but wanted so badly to do it naturally. I wanted to try for at least 6 months, before I sought help (which, with the painful periods, was going to seem like years).
In March, Sean and I were spending time with our amazing brother Eric, and his wife Victoria. I don't know how it came up, but somehow we got on the subject of my struggle with my fears of infertility. It turned out to be one of the most amazing nights of my life. I was never so open and honest with God, or anyone about my feelings of pain and fear. We all prayed so hard and so raw, for God's healing power over my body. God was there that night. God not only healed me emotionally, but He healed me physically.
I know He healed me, because the next month, with one ovary and endometriosis, and only 4 months of trying, we conceived naturally.
It honestly brings tears to my eyes just writing this. I am so overwhelmed by how much my God loves me, and how faithful He was to keep His promise to me. I am ashamed about how angry I got at Him at times and how much I doubted Him. But even despite that, He loves me anyway and is blessing me with the one thing I've always wanted.
So why, did I make you sit and spend your valuable time reading all those details about my life, that were so uncomfortable for me to share. Because God deserves it. Because I need to shout it from the rooftops that He is faithful and He is Healer. He has done such an amazing work in my life, and I want to give Him the glory that's due Him. I am so humbled that He used me to display His glory.
This pregnancy is so miraculous and precious, and I want everyone to know how incredibly thankful I am to be in my shoes. God is so good, and I know I am living proof of that.
Whatever you may be going through, don't ever underestimate the power of God. Your problems are never bigger than His ability or His mercy.
